So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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