so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
