I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
