I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
