I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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