I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
