the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
