Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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