i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
