I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
