if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
