fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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