And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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