The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Dicks are not precious.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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