i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
As shirtless as possible
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
