I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
