The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
