Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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