don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
