Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
