Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
