Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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