im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
