you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
