I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
