well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
