I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
