yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
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