when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
