I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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