I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
