her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Randomize
