I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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