Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
