I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
