No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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