I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
