I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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