I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
