I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Let the clothes fall where they may.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
