i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
