we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
