she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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