I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
