i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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