i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
