No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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