You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
