I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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