i jhust puked up my retainher.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
