everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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