I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
