The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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