overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
