Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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