just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
