I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize