i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
