i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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