Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I have grass duct taped all over my body
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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